My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize