You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How's work?
Spinning.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
