thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
