"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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