he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
