worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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