I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
