So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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