I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
