I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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