tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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