true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The beer is more important than you right now.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
