im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize