You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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