we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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