every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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