Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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