I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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