im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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