i already hear my dad disowning me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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