So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i came on her dog
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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