Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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