i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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