it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
