I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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