a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
