mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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