And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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