So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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