I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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