Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
