sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
