And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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