I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
