Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
