hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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