I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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