i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
