i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
