there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Can you bring me the toilet please
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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