Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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