You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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