Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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