I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
