It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
