Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
