sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
