Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
