You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
