Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
These tits shall not be calmed
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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