I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
