sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
