having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
