Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
