i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
