either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
