You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
