that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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