drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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